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My blog is about me and what I like and what I do. It's for those who love and know me and want to peek inside my head and heart.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


My head feels as though it may explode.
It is aching and everything seems so much LOUUUUUUUUDERRRRRRR...than it probably actually is.
At one point today I was trying to make an appointment on the phone and Emmi was following me around screaming at the top of her little loud lungs while Elliott followed me around talking nonfreakinstop about I'm not exactly sure because I was trying to make an appointment, as I said.
I was walking back and forth between the living room and the kitchen trying to hear what the lady on the other end of the phone was saying to me.
It was incredibly stressful.
Even now as I try and type my thoughts out in blog, Elliott is literally talking nonfreakinstop again. She is presently asking me where the man outside is going-where papa is working-can she has some beard-and mommy I don't have a blood.
What do these things even mean?
I try to listen to her and give her my attention. I want her to know that I value her and find her fascinating because I really do...but no matter how much I give, it's never enough...
they just keep demanding more and more and more of my attention!
By the end of most days I feel so drained and exhausted and empty. I have no energy for anything I'd like to do or even the things that I NEED to get done.
I sometimes wonder if these sort of things stress out other mothers or if I am somehow deficient.
I often feel deficient as a mother...and as a human being for that matter.

Today I started the laundry, started cleaning the kitchen, started taking some photos of items to list on a Baby Bling selling sight, started cleaning the living room started folding laundry started drinking a cup of coffee and started writing this blog...
I never finished  one of those freakin things!!! The house is a pig sty and there is unfolded laundry mounds in the laundry room and toys EVERYwhere!

I don't want to feel sorry for myself or complain that I have it bad or anything like that.
I just want more energy.
If motherhood is really this crazy then why doesn't it come with pills?
Like the kind of pills that give you crazy energy and guarantee to not let you down...ever.

Tomorrow is going to be better.
I have so much to be thankful for.
I am very thankful for my wonderful hubby who for the past 2 nights in a row has come home and let me hide away upstairs in our room. I'm thankful for my two healthy and hilarious adorable and lovely daughters whom I would die for. I'm thankful for this wonderful country I live in and for the family and friends that I share my life with.
I am thankful that I have been givin this life to live and that it truly is beautiful.

I am breathing in peace and breathing out stress. It's all going to be ok.
Emmi will get some teeth and stop screaming all day, this headache will go away and I'll get some energy.
Tomorrow is going to be better.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

O Kiss Kiss tree, O kiss kiss treeeeeee...

I love these people!

The Christmas season is upon us. I love this time of year.
This evening we had Papa Mac and Gramma Awlis over to decorate the tree, play games and eat ourselves sick!
Elliott had a BLAST!
...and that was my goal :)
We tried

...and again we tried

Found this adorable game at Winners and though it would be perfect for the little ones this Christmas. Turns out it's good for the adults too :)
Gramma brought over treats for the girls. Besides copious amounts of unneeded sugar, she brought them a Christmas ornament. She has done this each year for Elliott and now for Emmi too. I love that they can have these special treats to take with them when, Heaven forbid, they marry and move out of mamas house :(

I am pretty disappointed with the camera on my Galaxy. I miss my Iphone camera. This one doesn't take good pictures whereas I got some amazing "framers" from my Iphone.

Here's 3 generations. I love my mama and I am so glad that my girls get her for a gramma. She is such a fun young gramma.

Papamac and his grandbabies

They also get this fun young Grandpa who is totally content with being bossed around by two tiny girls under 3 feet tall.

sweet moments to cherish

This years ornament from Gramma Awlis

Elliott loved decorating the tree. She sings "o kiss kiss tree, o kiss kiss tree" over and over again. Then she gets so excited that she has to either kiss the tree or an ornament or me. Or she'll say " I havto give you a hug mommy" because it's just so wonderful she can't contain herself!

My favorite thing about Christmas is all the time spent with family and friends. There is something so special about it. So much excitement in the air. So much love and kindness.

I have such wonderful memories of Christmas. I remember decorating the tree with my sister, cousin and mom. I remember the excitement with every decoration we unwrapped. I remember the nativity set that my great grandmother painted for my mom. Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus. I remember the colorful lightup ceramic snowy house that sat on top of the tv glowing beautifully in the dark evenings. I remember the excitement on Christmas eve, us girls barely being able to fall asleep. We would lay on the floor and try to see or hear anything we possibly could by the inch opening under the door.
I remember Christmas morning treasure hunts to find our stockings. Mom planned these hunts so that her and dad could get an extra half hour of sleep I'm sure.
The rest of the day was spent enjoying gifts and great food and wonderful family. What a wonderful time of year to celebrate together.
Thank you Lord for making it all possible :)

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been 369 days since my last confession...

Today I took my lovelies to Superstore for some much needed groceries and fresh air. By fresh air, I simply mean air that is not the air from inside my house.
It was a gong show.
My big girl, who is usually a delight to go shopping with, or anywhere for that matter, was absolutely ridiculous. Magnified 100x by the fact that she is always such an angel during outings. My tiny baby was extremely grumpy and ready for  a nap.Like, throw her tiny head back and scream and flail grumpy. I misjudged the time for this outing and she needed to go down earlier than usual.
It was rough.
And once again I was reminded of the freedom I no longer have. The freedom to do all my grocery shopping or errand running in one outing. The freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want wherever I want. The freedom to think about what spices I needed to pick up without being interrupted by a screaming tiny baby and a rambunctious 3 year old. The freedom to actually remember all I needed to purchase. Even with a list these days I fail!
I left Superstore for the 3rd time without my prescription.
It hurts my head.

Now don't get me wrong...
I LOVE my littles and would'nt trade them for the world.
But oh how I miss having my thoughts all to myself.
Ever since I had E, my brain has been divided. My brain and my heart for that matter. I think about that girl pretty much 24/7. If I'm not thinking about something she needs or interacting with her personally, then I am just simply thinking of her fondly and getting high on that warm fuzzy feeling I get in my chest when it swells with all the pride and joy that comes from knowing E.
Multiply this by 2 since e came along. My brain and heart are now divided in three. My tiny baby holds a place solely created for her by our amazing God. Nobody could ever touch that place, it is all hers.

In other news...it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here. Digging out decor and baking with my E. I absolutely love this time of year. I love being with the people I love and having a whole season of excuses to party. I've started Christmas shopping and even wrapped a few.
Everything feels so much more cozy. It's beautiful outside and it makes me feel beautiful inside.
Even listened to some Bony M today. 
E calls it "kiss kiss" time. I am so excited for her this Christmas. The feelings of Christmas are heightened to new glorious levels when there is a child's delight.
The last few years have been a little less Christmasy then I would've liked(not that I don't have awesome family and friends to celebrate with).
We also are so blessed to have all of Ray's sibs and their children this year for Christmas. I am so excited...I feel giddy.

Today has been an incredible day. I found myself taking deep breaths and reminding myself to focus on the moment. It's hard when things seem crazy. Crazy kids, crazy pain, crazy crazy crazy...
But each day on this side of the dirt is a beautiful gift. I want to enjoy more and fret less.
I already have my first new years resolution :)